I am blessed with the ability to see angels. But I lived for many decades without this assuredness and I remember the day sometime in 2015 when one of my teachers kept talking about angels, and I FINALLY looked at her and said....'you mean....angels are actually real?' I was stunned. Thankfully, back into the reality that is my truth after decades of illusion otherwise.

Now I help my beloved clients see and talk to their own dear guides and it blesses me every single day.

Lately I've been musing about my past and how Divine Intervention (and the angel force) has been an incredible--and eternally loving--guide for me throughout my entire life.

Today the topic of this pursuit is about the reality of...the voice. Having a voice. Speaking my voice. Reclaiming my voice. I have had to--I mean been able to--do it all. It's especially consequential considering the fact that along with my body, my sexuality, my identity, my trust....my voice was one the things secretly stolen from me during a childhood of intense pedophilia and total mind-numbing grooming. 

'Don't tell your mother this.' 'It's not safe to talk to adults about these things.' 'Nobody will listen anyway.' 'There's nobody there to hear you.' 

That was my reality.

And worst of all, because I had no voice, or confidence, I couldn't say Stop. I couldn't say No. I couldn't say leave me Alone you fucking pedophile bastard. 

I couldn't say anything at all until I finally did say stop at the age of 14 (and that's a miracle for another story.) But even then I swore myself to secrecy so very deep that I did not say another word about it to myself or anybody else until I was 50 years old. For 5 decades I held the pain of shame, humiliation, and silence within the cells of this gorgeous body that's finally now all mine.

So how is it then that a girl who grows up under the rigid and sick veil of childhood enslavement does what I did in the years after? That's the perfection of it all.

I ask this question now as I marvel at the perfection of it all -- and now this is where I make my point about the fact that there's a force of divine light so bright in us and in this world that it CANNOT be snuffed. During my years at Columbine High School I found myself as a leader on the newspaper staff AND as a state champion in...original oratory on the speech and debate team. I got third place in State my senior year.

I mean...how is that even possible? 

And then, I actually vied for and won the honor of giving our 1987 commencement speech outside in the Colorado sunshine and under the light of Divine Grace. How could that possibly have happened? Something big. Something known and yet unseen. Something magnificent.

Today I simply marvel. Not to brag, but to say...wow. There must have been something incredibly powerful at play there, inside of me, and surrounding me. To have been able to cultivate a voice of wisdom carved out of layers of secrecy and shame and to turn it into a megaphone of hope and resilience to my fellow graduates. I don't even know what to think about that as I look back. I think I've always taken it for granted because I've always been good at speaking. But today I ask...how on earth was that possible?

I know that part of it was that my angels were always with me (though I don't quite think I was aware of them at the time.) During all the years of my childhood years of inner night-time terror, there was an angel in the corner of my bedroom with a bubble-gum-pink colored aura. I can see it now in my memory's eye and somehow I knew she was there with me at night when I would collapse my essence and escape by fleeing out of my body until the morning. That's the only way to survive. But she---she witnessed it all. She bore witness to what seems like one of the very worst crimes on this planet: the complete theft of a child by a father. She was my holy witness. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been. To bear witness to the pain and suffering of another person is holy work and somehow the presence of the God-force that comes between us helps the pain and suffering lessen. To know that someone else knows your secrets....well I know that actually gave me strength to go on and live a somewhat normal and vibrant life. 

So to my hot pink guardian angel: Thank you. You saved my life. Every. Single. Night. You made it bearable. You made it ok to keep going. You made it somehow less painful. You....gave me Love in a world where Love had become incredibly confusing. 

I can't say that I'm aware yet of all of the ways I was guided and protected. But I do know that there's a force of Love so great in this world that always knows, always sees, always hears...and always wants what is best for us...even in the face of the most devastating circumstances. 

Just look up. Look around. Look inside. You'll find it, if you dare.


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